I'm sitting on my back porch, with a hundred ideas of what to blog about, and not being able to write about a single thing.
My life is full of so much uncertainty right now, and while I am beginning to learn how to navigate through it, I also feel a bit like I'm drowning.
Tomorrow I am moving from the house I have lived in for the past 3 years.
Yesterday I ended things with the boy I have been seeing for the past 6 months.
A few days ago I gave notice at the restaurant I have been working at, so I can jump full force into the ambiguity of running my own business (before hitting the road in a month and a half to take off on my "irresponsible journey").
In the face of all this, alongside excitement, I also find I am becoming filled with self-doubt.
I find myself wondering: Am I making the "right" decisions? Am I being too irresponsible? Selfish? Do I just need to suck it up and do work I don't particularly enjoy because that's just how you "get by in the world"? Am I purposely choosing to make life difficult for myself?
Sometimes I observe people on vacation, or on their weekends, imagining the lives they might live: married or with a steady partner, in a secure job that has a reliable income, weekends off to go to the beach and drink on patios or go on trips.
Could I be satisfied living that kind of life? Could I be fulfilled working a decent job, having a family, living in a nice home and going on vacations and getaways when I get the chance?
Am I causing myself needless suffering?
The guy I just ended things with was a nice guy. He wants to be a firefighter so that he can help people, and also have a job that offers benefits and a pension. I know he'll be successful as a fireman and he'll find a nice girl and settle down with her and have a family - this makes a part of my heart ache.
Yet I know that I could not be that girl with whom he settles.
Still, I find myself wondering why not? What am I searching for?
And most of all, I wonder if I am making things more difficult for myself than they need to be?
In the face of uncertainty, I am becoming filled with self-doubt.
Yet I also have deep Faith.
There is this profound, unwavering determination that lies like the calm beneath the rippling surface of a river. There is a force greater than myself pulling me towards adventure, towards mystery, and towards uncertainty.
The magic of life cannot be found within certainty... it can only be found within mystery.
Sometimes I just wish I could be more simple, but at the end of the day, that's not who I am.
I am one of the Searchers.
"Some people do not have to search: they find their niche early in life and rest there, seemingly contented and resigned. They do not seem to ask much of life; sometimes they do not seem to take it seriously. At times I envy them, but usually I do not understand them. Seldom do they understand me.
I am one of the searchers. There are I believe, millions of us. We are not unhappy, nor neither are we really content. We continue to explore life, hoping to uncover its ultimate secret. We continue to explore ourselves, hoping to understand. We like to walk along the beach, we are drawn by the ocean, taken by its power, its unceasing motion, its mystery and unspeakable beauty. We like forests and mountains, deserts and hidden rivers, and the lonely cities as well. Our sadness is as much a part of our lives as is our laughter. To share our sadness with one we love is perhaps as great a joy as we can know - unless it be to share our laughter. We searchers are ambitious only for life itself, for everything beautiful it can provide. Most of all we want to love and be loved. We want to live in a relationship that will not impede our wandering, nor prevent our search, nor lock us in prison walls; that will take us for what little we have to give. We do not want to prove ourselves to another or to compete for love." -James Kavanaugh
I always have, and always will be, a Searcher.
Uncertainty and challenges are inevitable in life, and as a Searcher, they may be even more so.
Today, I am learning to navigate through the uncertainty by connecting with the calm Presence that exists beneath the river's rippling surface. I am doing so by choosing to have Faith, and by openly expressing to others the fears and doubts I am experiencing in the face of uncertainty.
How to navigate uncertainty is still a work in progress for me, but I DO feel excited about all the possibilities and opportunities for growth.
For now, I am successfully keeping my head above the sea of uncertainty, and I am working on building myself a raft so I can explore all that this world has to offer.
To magic & uncertainty,